[19 Mar 2006|09:04am] Come and go now as you please Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing And you just sing And I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around Is this the way you want it? Is this the way it has to be? Sitting here beside you But my heart's lost in New Orleans Dreams come clever Hearts now severed Difference of forever And I am lost there Well I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around And I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around And I finally find that all.. Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing And you just sing along out loud, yeah Come and go now as you please Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing And you just sing Well I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around And I finally found that life goes on without you And my world still turns when you're not around And I finally find that all.. Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing Your actions write the melodies To the songs that we sing And you just sing along out.. loud! Im just so happy your around i love you and thats song is opposite of how i feel about my baby lifes a bitch

to many fools with a smile and a face [11 Apr 2005|02:57pm] [ mood | crappy ] I woke up late today like 1 1/2 late (no good) but Brian kinda did his job to brighten my day and i thank him for that. I went to peer listening and we talked about fighting and it reminded me alot of the ways me and brian fight dude we really need to stop fighting. second hour i was bored and third hour i typed brians paper and fourth hour i did my project and at lunch i hung out with brian we went for a long walk and i had fun and thank you for going byrd. Now im home and about to cry..I hate it here. Friday im going to the doctors im so going to freak out what am i supposed to say to the guy. hey uhh i cry everyday and want to die. im such a loser im thinking on not going. I just want to go and get really drunk. it sounds like a good plan. LOVE HATE AND REGRET all so similar words wouldnt you say..Brian your awesome gawd i need to talk to you! like soon. 5 people think lifes a bitch

[27 Jan 2005|11:41am] FRIENDS ONLY! 1 people think lifes a bitch

[26 Jan 2005|11:52am] 2 hours and heather will be here yo! lifes a bitch

im lost [26 Jan 2005|08:26am] I am wiggin so bad Brians at court and I have to be to school at 9 and i wish I didnt but i do and i wish i could just talk to him i miss him so much and its been less then 12 hours sense i last saw him i wish i knew what was going on i wish he didnt have to go through this but he does because his friends are assholes and dont think ever i love them all but gawd why did they do that would true friends really do that? i donno i guess thats somethingi m going to have to deal with but i wish i could just save him like make him go in the right direction and think about consiquences like i do im so scared and dont know what to do and iv never wanted to do something more then i do right now i just cant take my life right now its to hard and i dont want to do it anymore if byrdie goes to jail thats the end i donno if he ever realized it but hes the reason i go on and make the right choices to try and show him the right way be a real friend to him and help him instead of push him the wrong way he needs a friend like that because his girlfriend is about to get fired from that job because hes going the wrong way i thought i had him going the right way til yesterday when he broke that window i really lost it there it made me so sick to see him turn his ways he was doing so good i was so proud now i feel like im loseing it i cant stop this damn crying i keep trying to get a grip but i cant im scared for once im truely scared and dont know what to do to make anything better i dont know which way to turn im a freakin idiot lifes a bitch

UHUH [23 Jan 2005|08:11pm] [ mood | bored ] My weekend wasnt to shabby... Friday- I hung out with Richie all day after school we watched the new guy and seinfield and i made him weird snacks that he wasnt to happy about and then him and I went to ashleys for awhile and to get pizza and i picked up my stuff and stayed the night at ashleys it was fun we talked all night and anthony black scotty and david came over.. Saturday- we woke up and took showers and shit then richie took me to go get byrd and chris (yes me and chris made up) well i guess byrd was pretty mad at me for wanting him well making him come to ashleys all he wanted to do was get his cell phone and hang with friends and i was an idiot and never can listen i guess well they ended up comming but i felt really bad because while i was in byrds house richie waited 20 min in the car and 20 min in a parking lot at the cell phone place so yeah he was mad but we went to ashleys and then sarah came over and nate and they all stayed the night and we hung out all night it was effin awsome i love waking up with byrdie hes everything to me Today (sunday)- I woke up and laid with me byrdie and he couldnt lay still with me so i ended up going upstairs and taking a shower and getting ready then i went and cuddled with me byrdie (i love that kid) then ashley is reading nates stuff and they realize hes 10 min late for work so they have to get snuck out of the house really fast and then like me and ashley and sarah smoked and cleaned and ate then nate called and picked us up and took me and sarah home and him and ash went to eat so yeah i tried to call byrdie but he was like asleep so i called sarah and me and her went to byrdies which was a really long cold ass walk but yeah he was sleeping and i woke him up and he wasnt happy but yeah he woke up and laid and hung out with me which i was happy about then i ate chris's food and it was so good then yeah i really wanted to go for a walk with byrd and hang out with him just the two of us but mike came over and yeah thats his friend so i got dropped off with sarah instead of hanging out with him cause i dont want to intrude on his fun (you know what i mean?) well yeah i guess the weekend was pretty good i was stoned and happy for most of it...now im trying to do my homework but my damn printer is broke and im not happy bout that but yeah i guess im going to have to deal with this shit tomorrows another day and im stuck back at school yes that school well i decided im staying at renn if byrd does lol because the dorks gotta graduate sometime soon and i want to be there dude im so tired and i wish i didnt have to stay up but he said he might be on later and i have to take all my meds at 9 so yup i wish it would snow cause snow days rock my socks well lata dude 3 people think lifes a bitch

[20 Jan 2005|05:33pm] I hate that effin asshole! Hes wrecked everything for way too many months..I just wish he would go away! 2 people think lifes a bitch

[18 Jan 2005|05:18pm] last cigarette: december last kiss: Byrdie last library book checked out: one i really wanted to read last movie seen: white noise last cuss word uttered: Fuck last beverage drank: Mountain Dew last food consumed: moose tracks ice cream last crush: byrdie last phone call: Byrdie last tv show watched: that 70's show last shoes worn: converses last cd played: a mix last item bought: Bubble gum machine toy last downloaded: when you kiss me-ATC last annoyance: this kid at school last disappointment: this child not telling me what i wanted to hear last soda drank: mountain dew last thing written: current events last key used: house key last words spoken: words with my sister about how hurt i am last sleep: 11pm-5am last im: chelle last sexual fantasy: ??? last weird encounter: talking to brian last ice cream eaten: comming home sad today last time amused: watching napoleon dynamite last time in love: now.. last time hugged: byrdie hugged me before he left last time resentful:a few days ago last chair sat in: my computer chair last lipstick used: the lip dew last underwear worn: meow last shirt worn: jersey last time dancing: at halloween dance last poster looked at: one in brians room last show attended:i donno I Want: to be loved I Have: something im scared of I Wish: things would get better I Hate: people I Miss: chs I Fear: everything thats happening I Hear: 1979 I Search For: happiness I Wonder: whats going to happen I Love: Me byrdie I Ache: all the time I Always: listen to music I Sing: when im happy I Cry: all the time I Am Not Always: right I Win: everyday I Lose: everything i love I Need: a hug I Should: be saying what im feeling What makes me happy: byrdie,ashley and a few others so yeah i just found that and decided to fill it out lifes a bitch

URG! [18 Jan 2005|03:32pm] [ mood | crushed ] Today sucked... Have I said that enough? I woke up and was almost too tired to lift myself out of bed but I did and went to that gawd awful place and started a new art project and read a story and typed o0o did I type then i took a quiz and watched a movie with z's class well i slept through the movie.. iv found an excuse to sleep all the time now well heather picked me up and we went home and i ate more then i have all week and now im just sitting around because im sick of the world well almost but yeah i need ashley because i feel a breakdown comming on ever sense yesterday and i need someone to talk to and no one is ever there GAWD IDIOTS! so anywho i donno what im doing chris is moving in with brian today which means i dont get to hang out with brian for a month or so and that makes me really really sad but i will do as he never had to do and get over it well i have a half day tomorrow 1,2 yo and i donno im kinda tired so yeah night <33 lifes a bitch

[18 Jan 2005|11:04am] Dude today sucks! im so pissed off at someone and he doesnt understan and wont say what i want to effin hear so poop on him and chris and richie just went home those dumbutts so anywho im going to class lifes a bitch

GRAWR [17 Jan 2005|09:06pm] [ mood | stressed ] EVERYONE IS PISSING ME OFF TODAY! Okay yeah its me and Brians 7 month and I wanted to spend it with him but no everyone effin invites themselfs over and wont leave and yeah I feel bad that Chris burned his house down but to hang up on me when I just tried to talk to him this morning wasnt cool so you know what i decided i just wasnt going to try anymore and if he wants to apologize for taking my trust and flushing it away so i know longer believe a word he says then okay he can come and have a talk with me but to come up and try to hug me like we are friends or something fuck that im not having anyone play games with me like that im so sick and tired of games! im so tired of being forgotten and treated like shit im sick of people talking to me and acting like they know me well what do they know! seriously what!?! Gawd! I hate my life! I need my friends so bad...I just wish I could do something to make everything right with them why do i go and take such advantage of the fact that i used to have awsome friends now what do i have a fucked up life i have huge trust issues thanks to chris major trust issues im afraid every seconde that brian might be with another chick i never used to feel that way now im all the sudden scared wow reality check thanks ya bitch...well tomorrows another half day for clarkston so heathers coming to get me so im just going to do w.e all day because i donno i dont feel so good about myself anymore and i need to think and fix whatevers going on inside of this head of mine well thats all 2 people think lifes a bitch

[17 Jan 2005|10:49am] Happy 7 month Byrdie lifes a bitch

well poop [16 Jan 2005|09:46pm] [ mood | chipper ] So yeah iv been waiting for this damn site to work...Now it does and I dont know what to say well I guess ill start with friday.. FRIDAY- I woke up went to school and thought maybe Byrd would be there well he wasnt and i was getting more and more angry every second at Megan and I passed out because lately even when im not tired i have been falling asleep weird i know so yeah at lunch richie got me a happy meal lol and third hour Megan sat to close for my comfort so I got up enough guts to talk to her and she told me that nothing ever happened between her and brian and that he loves me and always talks about me and that i shouldnt believe that stuff and wow iv never been so happy to hear that comming from her that meant alot and then fourth hour durnen was with me and wanted to go home o so bad and all hour mr z was yelling at us to SHUT UP so anywho heather picked us up and took us home so we had to walk to byrds house and i hung out there all night i ended up sitting in brians room and i cleaned it can u believe 5 trash bags came out of there and then i went out to eat with amy durnen lisa and mama byrd that was fun i talked to mama byrd about how i was worried about brian and stuff then i went home.. SATURDAY- It was said to me on monday by brian that saturday was our day well i didnt believe that but I was still worried about Brian really worried so who did i call i called jessica and had a long talk with her and she ended up picking up brian and me and dropping us off at brians to talk so yeah it was hard but i talked to him and then we watched movies and he went out to eat with his mom and we pretty much just talked and guess what he had to tell me ---Chris admitted to him that he lied to me because he doesnt want brian to go out with me anymore because he doesnt spend time with chris anymore-- so yeah thats the story well anywho at 10:45 brian dropped me off at the gas station so me and heather could go to the video store to get nopoleon dynamite which was a fuckin awsome movie yeah me and heather are going to start hanging out and spending time together like every other day going tanning i suppose its a good thing well yeah i fell asleep watching that movie TODAY- I woke up at 9 and ate breakfast talked to people then at noon i called brian and he said to call him when i was ready and we would hang out well anyways he was really tired so i did everything as slow as possible so he could sleep well it turns out he didnt really sleep so i just wasted time then we watched a few movies together and i donno i sat in his room and uhh then i kinda was just messing with him and said take me home and he did well anywho tomorrow is like our 7 month so hooray for that no joke its awsome                           Happy birthday Sarah  and Chris Happy belated Birthday     lifes a bitch

the story [11 Jan 2005|10:54pm] [ mood | drained ] So yes I met this boy five years ago i was in 6 grade and I started going out with him my first real boyfriend first kiss first alot of things and although we just stopped talking after that day and didnt really start contact again til a year or so later I would see him in the road with his "friends" and we would stop and talk and hug this hug i would never forget it always made me happy and loved inside well yeah I went out with all these idiots the boy fooled around and had a couple of good relationships as did i well the years went on and i saw him more i even hung out with him a couple of times gawd did he have an effect on me i started to really like the kid he made me smile so much but i always felt so much younger more childish then him i always felt like if i told him i liked him that he meant alot to me that he would smile and say aww how cute i never thought that he actually might tell me that he liked me back and wanted to be with me so yeah i just went on with my life met a boy who i spent 11 months with richie was his name richie was good to me i mean a normal freshman relationship then well around april-may i was walking with my friend sarah and met Michael effin Vagaski and hung out with him and went into his house and guess who was there the boy yes yes yes the boy and we hugged for a long time yes that hug one of those hugs i never forget and then i had to go home so i said bye and me and sarah left the boy only to come back the next day and the next we hung out many of times and then one day i was there and that michael vagaski told me to come into his room i thought he was going to yell at me but the boy was in that room with him and the boy had bad news he told me my richie was cheating on me with danielle the girl i had so many of times heard that richie had stayed the night i had trusted richie what had he done i called him yelled was very upset and never for a moment thought hey lets trust my richie nope so i broke up with my richie and that night me and brian cried in each others arms for the first time and we kissed o did we kiss the love i felt from him the way he told me he loved me he stopped and asked the question he asked me to be his girlfriend and me worried of his feelings knowing its rebound although i cared so much for the boy i couldnt do it i said know he knew it was o too soon he was ok but he kissed me again and then me and richie fixed everything we got back together and the boy was very upset he was broke i had broke the boy he didnt know what to do and me in my shoes was scared that i could hurt him so i apologized he told me he had moved on he no longer cared i was crushed i wanted him but richie..o richie well the evil michael vagaski caught my eye played with my thought got into my head and kissed me o he kissed me with his evil tongue but the boy wasnt this michael his best friend i was confused didnt know what to do this michael was no good he broke me and richie up and wrecked me and the boys ever possible thing he had to go so with no more michael and no richie i wanted the boy so at the bus stop when he told me he wanted to kiss me i told him he could and when the boy wanted to hang out of course i said yes and two months later after hanging out with the boy daily and having so much fun with him i got worried that he would never ask me back out maybe he really didnt like me had the boy changed his mind did he not love me? well on June-17 he asked me yes he did and i said yes this boy i had such a thing for finally was my boyfriend and guess what we had an awsome summer on our 2 week he gave me a ring a promise ring saying he would never cheat or hurt me it was beautiful and we always hung out everyday and although my friends hated it and would get very angry i still stayed with the boy because i loved him I lost something that meant alot to me to the boy yes my virginity was taken by the boy but i didnt care because i was in love with this boy so days went by he made me so happy o so happy then i started at this school o this renassance what a glorious school or so i thought on my birthday the boy got me a pack of sunkist and a box of bubble gum machine rings it was the best present i have ever recieved what a funny boy he knew what i really wanted and october came november i ended up sick i was in the hospital from a kidney infection i couldnt walk or move and this was from the boy but i didnt care i loved the boy he was the best friend i had ever had he was fuckin hillarious he could make me laugh but o the horrible school made me miserable and i wasnt happy my smile had turned upside down all the sudden smiling was a crime in my world the boy was made sad by my awkwardness the fact that i couldnt be happy in a foreign school with so many people who looked at me weird and didnt appreciate me at all i was sad o so sad the boy never was there he was busy even when i was around he didnt notice but i did i couldnt have felt more alone but he still made me o so happy i loved the boy the boys best friend chris told me the boy cheated on me i screamed got upset he broke my heart told me i was not a trusting person he broke up with me no longer wanted me two hours later we were fixed i went with tony to the mall the boy promised he'd be there when she arrived home he was at a friends when he called her she was hurt so bad by the day her parents stopped loving her her family her life was turned upside down he tried to her she tried to talkto him she needed him but it just was clashing we fought alot and she cried alot life was so hard but he was so great to her when he tried and that was hard for him when she acted those ways well when we reached 6 months things got crazy o so crazy and we spent a weekend together the boy purposed to me on sat the 8 at 9:55 i said yes of course things got crazy the boy got annoyed at the way she thought out the situation well one day she cried and the boy was there for her and she looked at things in a happier light it wasnt the boy it was the school the school and people needed to go bubye people bubye school summer will be here in 5 months yay so yeah end of story i love this boy and he loves me i was forgetting how much i loved the boy in the beginnig how great things could be i can smile now cant i o yes i can i love that boy me byrdie <3   did you like that story? I love it. Well iv been crying all day and need sleep so g'night 2 people think lifes a bitch

wo0t... [10 Jan 2005|04:46pm] [ mood | awake ] Dude I had a good day wanna hear it....Well I woke up at 6:20 cause i dont think my alarm works so i was late to school and then i got there and brian wasnt happy til after 1 hour which i slept through and then second hour i watched a movie and taped words to the wall then i got picked up 10 min early because over the weekend brian broke my glasses and i wont get them back til like thursday they said they were conpletely broke and i need new frames and then my mom took me to greggs and got me pizza breadsticks and a coke and brian actually decided on his own to stay at school lol i loved it so i shared my food with him and then i went to third hour and had a rancid headach and started to get really over heated and sick and laid in pascos room for a min then i went back to class and talked to brian online and went back to pascos to help brian tape detrick to a chair and then i went back and typed some more then class was over and i went to science and started a project with richie and brian gave me this paper from megan that says brian loves ashley it was weird but yeah whatever floats her effin boat right? then i road the bus home and hung out with ashley and then heather took her home and like brian ditched me but im feeling pretty okay with that if he doesnt want to see me its his loss im not going to get mad anymore theres no point living my life in anger iv wasted to much of my time on that so now i think im going to go take a shower or something i donno im bored kinda maybe ill go make a snow angel or i donno go for a walk pooey lifes a bitch

[10 Jan 2005|12:36pm] I have a wicked headach! lifes a bitch

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[06 Jan 2005|06:43am] [ mood | frustrated ] Wow Yesterday sucked so bad and i can already tell today will to my parents hate me and my dad hit me and my nephew is swearing and my parents are blaming it on me my boyfriend was mad at me yesterday and wasnt there when i needed him the most ever he was out being arrested because of his friends and this morning i woke up and got ready and caked my face with makeup to cover the red puffyness from crying then when i was all ready i found out school was cancelled and brian wanted to go back to sleep so yeah i wont get to see him til later and i am like crying again because i need someone to be there for once in my life and no one will effin ever be there because whenever im in need i have no one to go to because no one effin cares and thats why it no longer matters to me because I cant deal with the hurt of fighting it its to much for me but my mom thinks i need to go back to chs to be with my friends so ill be happier but thats not the half of it then ill just worry about B not going to school which i shouldnt its his choice but i need him there with me because when hes not there life gets harder but i guess i cant always depend on him to be there for me because i donno no one ever is and why should i think he will be gawd i need a hug well time for cartoons 2 people think lifes a bitch

Is it possible to hate the ones you love? [05 Jan 2005|02:51pm] [ mood | crappy ] Gawd im so pissed...Its not fair that hes always mad at me and I dont understand why one look from him can make me cry like im losing everything...but i am iv lost my mind my soul im so hurt inside hurt that he can ignore me the way he does i gave him a few of the most important things i had and what has he given me besides pain a sickness i feel like im going to die from and something i dont want to talk about because im not sure if its still mine..WHY DOES HE DO THIS! i just i donno what to say i just cant keep giving when im not sure if he wants to keep making this work the way i do wow i was having such a good day til i walked into that cafiteria and saw that look on his face and he wouldnt talk to me its just im so sick of the people at that damn school i just feel like its worthless even trying when he wont just listen to me and understand me the way so many people do i just dont feel appreciated by him or by anyone for that matter because no matter what i do no one seems to care and it hurts so much...I look to Brian for everything because hes the only one who's every stayed with me long enough to show that he cares I have those few close friends like ashley richie richelle sometimes sarah they are there for me like no other and besides that i cant really open up to people because i get scared that they wont understand or care about me you have no clue and this just makes me so mad and blah i wish he could hear my thoughts sometimes so he'd know how i feel but he doesnt and sometimes i dont either well im out 3 people think lifes a bitch

by gawd parents r weird [01 Jan 2005|11:01pm] [ mood | chipper ] Well i have spent the past like 48 hours with byrdie because well on new years my parents were like we are going to go out to eat with your aunt we probly wont be home til like 3am so im like ok and when i came home at 1:30am my mom was on the phone and told me she was up north and would see me sun so i spent the night at byrds and woke up alone from a nightmare so i ended up going and sleeping with him in his bed and it was awsome waking up with him i love that kid so much so yeah i came home today and got high with my brother BROTHER and i cleaned the whole house and had a door fall on me and am in pain now and I MISS ME BYRDIE so much and my sister stayed at a friends so its just me and my brother all night urg i want to be with me byrdie so bad and i donno it was weird well im hungry so later lifes a bitch

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